Down the Well
by PandaStarz
Summary: In a world where teenage girls can overcome time, one half demon will just be overcome. An Inuyasha parody of epic proportions.


**Welcome to the wonderful world of Down the Well! This is the part where I give my long, fangirlish author's note!**

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**Hrmmm, nope, can't think of anything stupid to say. But I do want to let you know that this is a rewrite, so if you happened to be around for version one, then I officially welcome you to the wonderful world of:**

**DOWN THE WELL V. 2.0**

**Enjoy.**

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><p>Kagome held the object up between two fingers, examining it narrowly.<p>

"You call this piece of crap a birthday present?"

Surprised that his granddaughter was unsatisfied with a scaly demon hand as a gift, her grandpa cleared his throat and explained, "It's an antique: the mummified claw of a water imp! It has been passed down for generations and – hey! Don't eat it!" Kagome froze with her tongue extended out toward the object. "It's highly poisonous!"

"Oh, really?" she asked, and her grandfather was pleased to see the proper excitement light her features. "Here, Buyo!" she called, dangling the claw-thing in the air like a tasty cat treat. _Finally_, Kagome grinned, an evil light in her eyes, _a perfect opportunity to get rid of that cat! It smells even worse than this claw thing…_

"Sis, Buyo's missing!" Sota said, appearing in the doorway.

_Yes!_

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><p>"I thought I saw him come down here."<p>

"Uh huh," Kagome hummed distractedly as she stuffed the mummy claw in her bag. Buyo would have a little "accident" later. "Well, don't just stand there! You look like you're about to pee your pants." She shoved him down the steps.

"OW!"

"Be a man." She went down and peered into the well. It gave her the creeps. "Hurry up and find the stupid thing Sot – Awwwaaaaahh!"

"Be a man, sis!" Sota called down into the well, hands cupped around his mouth. Something furry nudged his leg. He picked up the cat and held it an arm's length away. "Ugh. Buyo, you need a bath."

"Meow."

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><p><em>Little brat, pushing me in….When I get ahold of him – Hey, why haven't I hit the ground yet?<em>

Something grabbed Kagome from behind and wrapped its arms around her waist.

"Give me the Sacred Jewel, girl. I know you possess it," it hissed at her. She looked around, startled, and screamed when she saw the centipede woman. "What? You're telling me you have the sacred jewel _in your body_, and you've never even seen a demon before?"

"No it's not your creepy body that's freakin' me out, it's just… have you ever freakin' heard of a shirt? I don' want no half-dressed whore grabbing onto me in the middle of some dang creepy well! What the heck do you think you're doin'? Let go of me!

"SUPER MEGA AWESOME KARATE CHOP OF DEATH!"

In an epic ninja move, Kagome karate chopped off the centipede woman's arm that was grabbing onto her. They hung in space, staring at each other for a moment, Kagome looking pleased and triumphant and the demon looking… however demons look. And then Kagome started falling abruptly, deep into space and time and alternate dimensions.

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><p>"Screw you!" Kagome kicked her attacker hard. "Ow, ow, ow!" She clutched her toe and hopped around, swearing. <em>Note to self: do not aggravate trees.<em>

She came to a clearing a paused, awestruck, as she stared up into the face of a boy. "Whoa."

She stepped closer to him. His silvery-white bangs covered his eyes and the arrow pinning him to the tree pierced his heart.

"These ears," she reached out to one of them. "Ain't _human_.

"I wanna touch 'em."

_-Several minutes later…-_

"Oh yeah! Uh huh, that feels good! Oh yes! I love this. Mmm it's soft and squishy… and furry. Man you need a haircut." Kagome's arm was wrapped around the boy's neck, and she massaged his ears thoroughly with one hand. She squeezed them, rubbed them against both sides of her hand, and pressed them against her cheek.

She was in love~…

With unnatural doggy ears.

The centipede woman slithered up behind her. "Give me the sacred jewel, girl," it hissed. "Wait a minute, what are you _doing_?"Kagome untangled herself from the boy.

"Nunya. And I ain't got no jewel. My family's poor – why d'ya think we sell worthless crap like this?" She pulled the mummy claw out of thin air and held it up.

"Give me the jewel, girl," the demon snarled at Kagome, "or I will take it from you!" The centipede woman bit lunged at Kagome and tore a huge gash in her side with her teeth. Kagome fell to the ground, and the **SACRED JEWEL** (cue ominous music) flew out of her body. The centipede woman retrieved the jewel and stared down at Kagome, a disgusted look on her face.

"Ugh, what the heck have you been eating? You taste disgusting."

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><p>Inuyasha's ears perked up. He opened his eyes and sniffed the air.<p>

"I smell blood – blood of the woman who killed me," he said darkly. Then, his nose crinkled. "Okay, who had pickles and yams for lunch?"

"Uh, that would be me." Kagome turned around. "Hey, you're not dead!"

"Oh, you noticed?"

"That's some pretty heavy sarcasm coming from the dude who's pinned to a tree. What's the deal there, anyway?"

"Oh, as if you don't already know, _Kikyo."_

"Whoa whoa whoa, I don't know who this _Kikyo_ person is, but my name is – "

"Enough of all this pointless banter! It is time for me to kill you!" The centipede woman ingested the jewel, popping it into her mouth like a piece of popcorn.

Kagome stared at her incredulously.

"Doesn't that whore freakin' realize that jewel just came out of my _body_? She didn't even _sterilize_ it? I mean what the heck! That is just plain _unsanitary_."

"Clean freak," the boy muttered.

"_Whatever_ man."

Kaede rushed forward, avoiding the village men, many of which were absorbed in their futile attempts to keep mistress centipede at bay.

"Ye fools will accomplish nothing," she muttered. She watched grimly as mistress centipede's skin shed to reveal a newer, more demonic body and pulled out a beaded necklace. As she held it up, she caught a glimpse of something in one of the beads. Apalled, she dropped the necklace.

"Lady Kaede, is everything alright?"

"Sake, I need sake." She robbed a nearby villager of their bottle.

She took a deep drink, then tossed the empty bottle back to its owner.

Rubbing her temples, she voiced her thoughts aloud. "Am I really that old?"

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><p>Kagome witnessed the transformation. She was, literally, backed into a tree.<p>

"Hey, this space is occupied! Get your own tree." She didn't respond, and a light bulb went off in the boy's head. "You know, if you pull that arrow outta my chest, I could help you out."

"You would do that?"

"No, don't do it, girl!" an old hag warned as she stepped forward. "If ye release Inuyasha from the spell, the village would turn to chaos!"

"If you haven't noticed, hag, the village is pretty much _already_ in chaos," he shot back. "Well," the boy turned his attention back to Kagome, "take your pick. You wanna live or die?"

"Given the choice, I would say I wanna live."

He waited.

"Get on with it already," he said impatiently.

"Hold on, I gotta do my acting exercises. This is a dramatic moment." She rolled her shoulders, waved her hand in front of her face, stretched, and rolled her neck around.

Inuyasha rolled his eyes.

"You done?"

"Think so," she said, popping her knuckles. She gripped the arrow. "What's your name, again?"

"Inuyasha."

"Right, got it," she told him, tightening her grip.

"Live again, Inu-slasha!"

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><p>"That was some fancy work you did back there. I'm impressed." Kagome saluted him.<p>

"Where do you think you're going, _Kikyo_?" Half of his face was dripping blood. Kagome picked the **SACRED JEWEL** (cue ominous music) out of the remains of the centipede woman. The blood on his face and hands instantly dissolved along with the centipede woman's carcass.

"Uh, home." _I hope. _"This was fun, we should do it again sometime. And I told you, my name's not Kikyo." She stuffed the **SACRED JEWEL** (cue ominous music) in her pocket to take as a souvenir. Inuyasha appeared, inches from her face, as she rose up.

"Hand over the **SACRED JEWEL**." His ears twitched in annoyance at the accompanying ominous music, causing his scowl to deepen.

"On and on about the **SACRED JEWEL**," she paused a moment for the ominous music to play out, "You demons are like a broken record. Just lemme pass, a'ight."

"Humans have no use for it, so I'll hang onto it for you." He held out his hand, palm up. "Or will I have to sharpen my claws on you?"

_Oh __crap__._

Kagome bolted. Inuyasha kept up with her easily, leaping from tree to tree.

"Aaaah! Don't kill me!" He leaped in front of her. Kagome's powers of clumsiness kicked in at just the right moment and she fell. Inuyasha's claws raked the air where her face had been a second ago.

"Ha! Next time I'll slice you open!" Inuyasha leaped back into the trees, secretly awed that she'd evaded his attack by doing a face plant.

"Hey! Watch where you guys are aiming!" Kagome shouted in the general direction of the villagers after an arrow whistled past, an inch from her nose. _It's a conspiracy! They're all trying to do me in! _She paused for a second to contemplate this, then ducked before Inuyasha could tear apart her shoulder. "Would you cut that out? What do you want from me anyway?"

"I've said it once before, and I'll say it again. Give me –"

"A kick in the butt? You sure need one."

"Why you - !" Kaede – the old hag – cut him off.

"Would ye give it a rest, stupid?"

"AAAAAAH! A witch!" Kagome screamed, bolting at the sight of the hag. As she took refuge behind a tree, the villagers let loose a volley of arrows at Inuyasha. They bounced off him without so much as leaving a scratch. He caught one just before it hit his chest.

"You know," he said casually, twirling the arrow. "I've had a bad experience with arrows lately," he said, snapping the arrow in half. "So you're all really starting to rub me the wrong way!" Before they even had a chance to react, he sliced through a tree and sent it crashing down in the villagers' direction. They scrambled out of the way.

A villager rested his arm casually on Kaede's shoulder and shook his head. "Ya know, we prob'ly would'a had a better chance with the centipede woman." Kaede slowly turned and gave him a dark look. He backed away. "Hey w-w-wait for me guys!"

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><p>"Uwaaah! Don't hurt me! I'm too young to die!"<p>

"Just hand over the jewel and I won't have to kill you."

"Noooo," Kagome pouted. "See I was gonna make it into a necklace to impress this boy in my class – Hojo – 'cause suddenly he decides that super short skirts aren't enough for him anymore because like, everybody at my school's wearing them. So now I have to come up with something way better so when he sees me wearing this necklace he'll love me and want to ask me out."

"Uh, I have no idea what you just said, but it looks like I'm gonna have to kill you and take the jewel from your corpse." He stalked toward her, wearing a grin that bordered on megalomaniacal.

Kagome folded her arms. "Hold up, man."

He ignored her.

"Did you hear me? I said back up. BACK UP!" He backpedaled, caught off guard by her outburst. "Now why you gotta kill somebody? Don't you know you ain't s'posed to kill a girl?"

He glared at her. "'Cause I'd know the scent of the woman who killed me anywhere. Dang, you stink. Ever heard of a breath mint? What did you have for breakfast? Onions?"

"It was yams! And you obviously have me confused with this KEY-KEY-YO person again, so let me clear this up for you. My-name-is –"

Inuyasha ignored her and sniffed the air between them. "Huh. So you're not her. Wait a minute! How come you can remember her name, and not mine?"

"What are you talking about? I remember your name, Inu-masha."

"That's it!" He growled and leaped into the air, ready to take her head off.

"What the heck do these idiots think they're doing?" Kaede took out her enchanted necklace once again and held it up. As she recited the spell – careful not to look at her reflection for fear of turning to stone – the beads appeared around Inuyasha's neck one by one and glowed.

"Girl!" Kaede called

"Who, me?"

"Yes, ye! Recite the word of subjugation! Quickly!"

Inuyasha paused, mid-attack, and tried to figure out what the crap had just happened to his neck. _How the heck did this get here!_

"The what?" Kagome asked, completely bewildered.

"A word! Any word to confine him!" Kagome's expression was still puzzled. "Just say something to get him to stop attacking ye!" Kagome started running again, as Inuyasha leaped into a tree and pursued her.

_A word to confine him…_

Kagome came to a bridge. As she stepped on, Inuyasha leaped in front of her. _Shoot, _she thought. Inuyasha's ears twitched with anticipation.

_Wait a minute…_

Dog ears.

A word to confine him.

A word to confine…

"**SH*T BOY!"**

Standing over Inuyasha – or rather, upwind – Kagome observed his twitching and moaning form and thought, _Well, it confines my grandpa to the bathroom…_


End file.
